The Zombie Diet

In honor of May being Zombie Awareness Month, I thought I would examine the typical zombie diet. As we know, zombies are reanimated dead humans. They almost never have any higher order thought processes remaining. In fact, the term “mindless zombie” is very accurate. They generally rise with only one purpose—to find sustenance in the form of raw flesh. They are particularly fond of human flesh, often eating people while they are still alive and conscience. This situation is obviously horrifying to the person being eaten, especially if they do not know that zombies can only be stopped by destroying their brain. As for nutrition, Zombies follow a very strict combination of low carbohydrate diet and raw food diet. Do not even think of asking a zombie to eat carbs. Veggies are out—even killer tomatoes are safe. A zombie knows that carbs would cause them to get fat and slow them in pursuit of prey. Moreover, a zombie will never take time to cook its prey. They instinctively know just like all of the raw foodists that cooking humans destroys their nutritional value and actually makes them toxic. Unfortunately, the zombie diet doesn’t appear to be extremely healthy for them. The life expectancy of a zombie is extremely short, usually only a few days after rising from the dead. Humans are not really fond of having their brethren devoured, so zombies are hunted and destroyed without any bag limit even in Illinois. As you can see, I have proven that the low-carb and raw food diet are very dangerous and should be avoided.